July 30, 2011

Poop, Poo, Doodies

When I was younger and still very awkward, I used to talk about poo because I thought it was funny. You know like the friends episode where Chandler thinks duties is funny. That was me. "He said doodies" snicker, laugh, snort. I was not much of a lady then. I'm not so sure I'm much of one now, but I have more 'lady-like' moments now. Even though I still think doodies is funny.

Now that I have a child, I find that the majority of conversations my husband and I have are about poo.
"Did she have a poop today?"
"How many times did she poo today?"
"What did it look like?"
"What was the consistency?"
"Was it extra stinky just for you?"
"How many wipes did it take?"
"Did it require a wardrobe change?"

Who knew death could come out of a baby's butt and instill such pain on you, while at the same time producing such laughter from her? She thinks putting us through such agony is hilarious. And so it makes sense now. Doodies is funny from birth. It doesn't stop being funny to you until you have to change exploding, stinky diapers. But at that moment the humor is passed on to the next generation. And so poop will always be funny.

That said it doesn't change the fact that my husband and I don't have much else to talk about. Not that we don't talk about other things. Other topics just don't seem to dominate our conversations anymore. Is that a sign of an old married couple? I suppose. But it sure is fun to talk about poo and especially, for me, if she had an extra stinky poo just for him. It brings joy to my soul to know I am not be the only one changing extra stinky, messy diapers.

July 1, 2011

Who Knew Being a Cop Could be THIS Awkward?!?!

I'm not a cop, but here's an 'interesting' story about some cops that were probably not expecting to have the kind of day they had. To sum it up, a drunk lady (oxymoron), who also happened to be 'producing milk,' decided to whip out a booby and spray the officers that were called to the scene. How awkward is that?!? That's beyond awkward.

The article says she was charged with assault, but wasn't clear if that was related to spraying the officers or the fight she was having with her husband. This is clearly a woman who shouldn't drink if she can't resist the urge to spray people while intoxicated. The equivalent would be a man whipping out his dong and spraying people. Pee, milk...both bodily fluids that you don't want sprayed on you.

I wonder how that goes down....
"Ma'am step out of the car."
psycho nut job steps out of the car, whips out her boob and starts spraying the officers while probably yelling profanities.
whiping faces off..."Ma'am, put your boob away....Ma'am stop spraying us."
more spraying and profanities followed by the take down and cuffing of said psycho nutjob.
Awkward...though I'm not sure who it's most awkward for...the cops or the drunk lady (oxymoron) after she sobers up...

May 30, 2011

What it Feels Like to be a Cow

I don't know if cows have feelings or not. I don't know if they object to being hooked up to automatic milkers or if they couldn't care less one way or another. But since becoming a nursing mother, I've started to ponder this and have a little sympathy for them. Or more for us human females who pump in order to feed our young.

Let me start with the mechanics of the pump. Now I know not all pumps are the same but my particular pump 'moos' the whole time. "mooo, mooo, mooo, mooo, mooo" until I turn it off. You may think I'm exaggerating, unless you have the same pump I do, but my husband moos every time he hears it. Which is usually on the weekends. So why do I have a mooing pump? Well because I'm cheap or thrifty, you pick. I went for the highly rated half priced pump because all I cared about was functionality. I did read that the biggest complaint was that it was loud. No review I ever read said the pump actually sounds like a dying or distressed cow. So that's why I feel a bit like a cow whenever I'm pumping. I sometimes moo right along with it just for fun.
So the primary reason I pump is because I work. So law requires they provide us a non-bathroom place to pump. So the room in my building is connected to one of the bathrooms and also has a door to a hallway leaving the cafeteria. Honestly I don't think there's a whole lot of traffic past the door, but when I'm in there I just assume that everyone near/passing either door can hear the distressed cow and must wonder what in the hell is going on in there. Luckily or unluckily there is a sign on the door broadcasting just what is going on in there. Though that hasn't stopped a few nosy people from giggling the door handle. That's why I double and triple check the locks on both doors every time I go in there. The other day some weird woman who happened to be walking by the other day as I was unlocking to enter asked if she could look inside. What was I supposed to say? "Squeeze out a baby and lactate like the rest of us do if you want to see inside!"
That said it's worth feeling like a cow everyday since my baby and I have figured out a way to make it work for us. Though I wouldn't object to the law stating that the room had to be sound proof. But I won't write my congressman about it. I don't think my mom could have prepared me for this because I'm pretty sure she didn't pump. I believe it's less awkward than whipping it out in public to feed her. Only because I feel strongly that for my baby and me it's a very private and personal thing and I don't want anyone outside of our immediate family (or those I deem ok) seeing, watching, or gawking at us. Though I'm not condemning those that do. I much prefer to have a bottle prepped when possible, or find a reasonably private place for us when she needs to eat. Just like I'm also not condemning those women who feed their babies formula. My doctor was fed formula and she's a doctor and I a loser government worker. So my decision probably isn't making my daughter smarter than the formula fed babies around her. Though I'm sure many will say it is. I'm guessing reading to her and practicing math skills and such will do more for her intelligence.
I think it's silly that I feel the need to clarify that I'm not negatively judging those who make choices differently than me. But that's because I've learned that breastfeeding is such a polarizing topic. (see one of my previous posts). And no matter what your personal choice is someone will have a harsh defensive opinion because they assume your are judging them harshly for choosing differently. I couldn't care less that you chose differently than me. Newsflash I care more about my baby than I care about yours so as long as you don't abuse your baby or leave it in a hot car, I'm happy for you and I won't judge you harshly. This isn't that kind of a post.

April 22, 2011

Is It Weird That I Want to Hang Out with my OBGYN???

You know this is a subject I haven't discussed with my mom. I just assume her OBGYN was a man and since she was in her 20s when she had my brother and me, her OBGYN was probably at least more than 10 years older than her so this thought probably never crossed her mind. So I'm guessing she has not frame of reference and can't relate to this.

I'm in my early 30's and get along with people in excess of 5 years either way of my age. Mostly on the older side of me. I'm not exactly sure how old my OBGYN is, but she is not much older than me assuming she's at least a year or two older than me if not more. What I do know is that she has 2 young kids and if she's over 40, she's looks better than I do.

One might then ask how I picked her. Well I looked for a specific hospital that was about 2 miles from my house, and then I looked at doctors with privileges. Next I looked at their location and pictures. She was the only one that was right next to the hospital or didn't look weird. What!!! Weird looking. Well when looking for a doctor without a recommendation, I want someone who's not fat because a fat doctor consulting you about your health is a hypocrite. I also must have a woman if she is going to see me naked, but she must not look like she might at all enjoy looking at my girl parts. Which is why I can't pick a man. Why not a gay man? Nothing against them but doctors don't post if they prefer lady or men parts in their own sex lives. And if they did, other than posting a picture of their family, I'd be creeped out that they are sharing their sex life with the world. My doctor posted information about her family so she didn't worry me one way or the other. I didn't mind that she looked young because she had good credentials and I figure the fresher they are out of med school, the most up to date information they have. Plus she can't have her own practice and be much younger than me if at all. Unless of course she was a Doogie Howser M.D. Which I'm sure is possible, but not likely.

So maybe it's because she helped suck, pull, yank my sweet baby out of me, but after my 6-week follow up I really felt the desire to be friends with her and hang out with her. I felt like we bonded and really got along. She made me feel like one of her more together patients as she said I was the only one to not call her. And for that matter call her with stupid questions that make me look like an idiot or a tramp. Yes there really are stupid questions.

I'm really sad that I'm down to seeing her once a year now. But I can't hang out with someone who checks out my lady parts either. It's just not natural. I wouldn't even know how to make the transition from patient to friend and find a new doctor. The finding a new doctor part is the easy part. My husband said I could stalk her on facebook. But then that turns me into the creepy patient then doesn't it?

Oh well. I suppose it will have to be left at a fleeting desire. I need to find another friend I suppose. But no one around here is a cool and laid back as she is....I heart you (in not a creepy way) Dr. J!!! Thank you for being so awesome!!! even though you made me cry after breaking my water...that was hormones not you!!!

Ok maybe it's a little weird...

February 18, 2011

Waterboarding Has Nothing on Back Labor

So I'm settling in my my new little one nearly 6 weeks post partum. She was definitely worth about 7 months worth of misery and the pain of labor. Well I don't know if I'd still be saying that without the miracle of epidurals. My mother gave birth without drugs, but she had no frame of reference for what I went through. The only advice she gave me was that she wouldn't advise going without drugs. Which I had no intention of doing.

So let me start by saying I had to be induced. Nothing started happening until my doctor came in and broke my water. The pain started and I got one drug that made me woozy but still very aware. As that started to wear off, I got another drug that my nurse told me I'd probably sleep. She couldn't have been more wrong because as soon as that drug got injected, the contraction kicked in to high gear. Let me just say I don't know what it feels like to have contractions in my belly. It was all in my back and it was excruciating pain. The worst pain I've ever felt and I had a bike accident on a boys' bike that bonked my hootie once. I've never understood why boys' bikes have that cross bar since their genitalia is at greater risk for damage should they bonk themselves.

All that crap they say about relaxing in between contractions, in order to save yourself for delivery, went out the window. There was no downtime to relax. The anesthesiologist couldn't get there fast enough. But when he did, he was my hero.

If the U.S. government wants an effective mechanism by which to get enemies to talk, then they should figure out how to induce back labor pain in anyone without them being pregnant. Then no one can bitch about it being torture since women throughout the world routinely experience this excruciating pain. I'm convinced it would make anyone talk to make it stop. Perhaps I'm just a weeny though. Either way I was greatful for the relief of an epidural. They are a gift from God.