June 28, 2009

How to Maintain Grace While Your Innards are Noisy

We all know about burps and farts and that the sound of them can be muffled. Although they sometimes slip out in public unrestricted. They are a part of life and we all accept this about each other while secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, judging you if you let it slip noticeably. It really depends how well you are known and liked by the audience.

But what about those "other noises?" You know when you're hungry your stomach growls. But what if it is right after lunch and you are in a room full of people and your "stomach" starts making loud uncontrollable noises? Logically they should conclude that you're no longer hungry so it must be gas. I mean that's what I would logically conclude. All sorts of humiliating thoughts start running through your head like "these noises are loud enough that I'm going to start getting looks or everyone will suddenly burst out in uncontrollable laughter," or perhaps "I'm going to be the subject of gossip and laughter behind my back when we're on break," or "do they realize I'm not actually sitting back here farting?" And then you feel like making an announcement about how "hungry" you really are so they'll think it's just your stomach growling and not the continuous flow of farts. Don't they know I'd muffle a fart and they would never hear it? I always figure no, even though I would always give people the benefit of the doubt. At least at that exact moment I would feel sympathy for anyone in my position.

My mom did not prepare me for this continuous humiliation even into adulthood. I feel like I'm perpetually in high-school when silly noises like this occur in my innards and I just want to slip under my desk out of site. I can't leave the room because the whole room will exchange looks at each other followed by the biggest outburst of laughter known to man. At least this is what happens in my head. If I stay in the room, at least there might be question as to who is producing such ungodly noises after lunch. Although I'm convinced my face is flashing red saying "It's Me!! It's ME and it's gas!!!! And I am more humiliated than when I get a pap smear!!" (Though not my first 5 or so...those were definitely more humiliating.)

I wish there was a magic pill. Although I'm sure some of you probably have some. And don't tell me fruits, vegetables, and fiber is the answer. I'm sure they are causing it as my diet is high in all of those things. I'm also paranoid that they just naturally assume that it's gas when it really is my stomach growling. So I'll ask it again, am I the only one that gets embarrassed by my bodily noises? Do I need to get over it, if only in my head?


Mik said...

Ha ha, I laid on my side today in the doctor's office gettign a mole removed from my back, my stomach was growling and I managed to fight and keep a fart in, could've been embarrassing!

Kath Lockett said...

Nah, I'm a big believer in the 'better out than in' philosophy, though not at work.

Instead just say something like, "Yep, my stomach's hard at work right now," and smile. You've acknowledged then that you're aware, it's funny and you've got more important things to worry about.

sterndal said...


this is a very interesting topic :)

i have a friend who never gets humiliated when she farts in public or with other people knowing she did it

i don't know

she's funny

she said it's normal and part of being human

we always end up laughing hard everytime she does something like that


Anonymous said...

The delicate fart is often acceptable. Unfortunately, the deadly room-clearer has been known to permanently disable children and small animals.

I expect Obama to legislate them out of existance soon. The guy can do anything!

Little Me said...

Gurglign tummy is always explained by an "oh sorry I didn't eat brekkie this morning". Farts and burps, well, if you can't them in the English etiquette in a group is to ignore, but if there are few people, to just say, "ooops, sorry". The less deal you make the better.

My Top 5 said...

Well, all I have to say is...thank god I'm not the ONLY one who goes through this! It started when I was 30, which oddly enough was the same year I decided to go to law school. Yep, those sounds plus a quiet lecture room with 80 of my closest peers is not a pretty combination. You've described my thoughts as if you're there...but at least now I know I'm not alone!

Amber Sunshine said...

Glad I could start the support site for those with noisy stomachs :) Thanks for stopping by!!

Liggy B said...

For some people (like my husband) loud or odorous farts are something not to be embarrassed about...I'm the one who often feels embarrassed that he's proud of them stinkers...LOL!